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These are the 16 People We See at The Swimming Pool
It’s the weekend and you’re going to the public pool. When you arrive poolside you’re bound to encounter at least a few of these characters. Or maybe you are one of these people.
The Lap Swimmer
This guy likes to frantically splash his way around the pool doing who-knows-how-many laps as part of his “daily workout.” Hey, it’s a public pool, Poindexter, how about you stop circling it like you’re training for the Olympics? That thing you just bumped into, that was my kid --- and the paramedics had to pump chlorine out of her stomach.
The Mom Who Drops off Her Kid
After she plops Junior down on the lounge chair and slaps a smear of sunscreen on his pudgy little face, where does she go? We don’t know. Poof! --- she’s gone. Meanwhile, the lifeguard and the rest of us have suddenly become babysitters.
The Pee Posse
Watch out for these kids, they’re the ones casually floating in the corner of the pool with smirks on their little round faces. If you suddenly feel something warm, you’re in trouble. By the way, it’s not always kids --- there are also adults who treat the pool like a public restroom. These people must be stopped.
The Guy Who Sucks His Gut In
We have sympathy for this fella. It’s not easy looking good all the time, and maybe swimsuit season snuck up on you, but sucking that gut in all day has to be uncomfortable. Just let it out - you’ll feel and float better, and maybe the belly button lint will finally fall out.
The Queen on the Floaty
You see her on her plastic inflatable throne floating in the middle of the pool like Cleopatra. If you have an opportunity, send the next guy her way.
The Drunk Guy
It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, there’s usually one guy who decides to make his day at the pool a drinking binge. Often he brings the requisite materials to play beer pong. He also frequently crosses over as “Cell Phone Guy” and he may morph into “Cannonball Guy.”
The Noodle Slapper
These kids turn their foam noodles into weapons and noisemakers. Be warned --- they always travel in packs and they can be identified by their shrieks of “Mine! Mine!” and “My eye! My eye!” When not in the water, these are the kids who will be yelled at by The Life Guard for running.
This gal doesn’t get wet at all; she positions herself in a lounge chair and buries her nose in a book. Invariably, Drunk Guy will annoy her and she’ll shoot nasty glares of derision at Cell Phone Guy. Speaking of him …
The Cell Phone Guy
He thinks he has to conduct business or personal phone conversations while he’s at the pool --- loudly. We don’t want to hear every detail of your life while we’re trying to enjoy the pool. Do us a favor --- leave the phone in your shoe, or next to your wallet (you know, where you think you’ve cleverly hidden it from us). Unless you’re the President of the United States or you are in fact actually Batman, you don’t need your phone while you’re swimming.
The Frightened Diver
This little fella sheepishly climbs the ladder of the diving board, reaching back to un-bunch his swimming trunks, nervously surveying the area. Knees knocking, he slowly edges out onto the board. Will he jump? Will he stand there for an hour? We don’t know, and neither do the dozen or more people backed up behind him as he tries to figure out if he can muster the courage to let gravity pull him six feet. JUMPPPPP!!!!
The Sun Worshipper
It’s 92 million miles away, but this lady can’t get enough of the Sun. She’s got tanning lotion glazed on her like butter on a Thanksgiving turkey, and she’s flipping and flopping like a flapjack on a hot griddle to make sure she tans evenly. Thing is, she’s already so tan she looks like an Oompa Loompa or an old catcher’s mitt.
A pathetic creature – if you see one in the wild, it’s a rare treat. The Dad is closely related to The Guy Who Sucks His Gut In. He’s almost always in the meaty part of middle age, but he still wants to look great at the pool, he still thinks he looks great at the pool, and he doesn’t think anyone notices that his combover has less hair than his upper back. He always has his kids with him, some of whom may be Noodle Slappers. But Dad isn’t paying attention because he’s fixated on whether his fanny pack matches his sandals.
The Old Man
All Dads are eventually going to evolve into The Old Man. The Old Man is wearing black socks and sneakers with one giant Velcro strap. He has on so much sunscreen on that he looks like a bagel slathered with cream cheese. He always has glasses on, and he usually tries to strike up a conversation with The Reader. One good thing about The Old Man: he will play with the Noodle Slappers and the other kids running around the pool. The rarest of this species is Grumpy Old Man --- he will bark comments every 11 seconds things like “Stop that infernal noise!”, “Whatt?!?”, and “You kids get out of my pool!!!”
The Chicken Fighters
It’s against pool rules, it’s dangerous, and it can be annoying, but some people still insist on playing Chicken in the pool. This is an odd conflagration of people: normally there are 2-3 participants who are between the ages of 5 and 14, but then you’ll have Oddball Overly Competitive Guy who’s serving as the bottom for one of the teams. Be careful of the Chicken Fighters, as they will try to rope you in --- and once they do, you’ll end up submerged beneath one of them with your swimsuit around your neck. We’ve seen this grisly scene all too many times.
The Olympic Champion
This guy thinks he’s trying to win a competition. He’s doing the breaststroke, the butterfly, and he bounces five times on the diving board and tries his best to act like Michael Phelps. The best thing to do about this guy is to point a Noodle Slapper in his direction.
The Pool Diva
The official uniform of the Pool Diva consists of giant sunglasses, humongous floppy hat, full makeup, trendy bikini, high heels or wedges, and a bag large enough to carry each of the following: waterproof mascara, six issues of Vogue, a cell phone, iPod, premium headphones, tablet, cell phone charger, cucumber water, and a solar-powered martini shaker. She is not there to get into the water or to get sun (the wrinkles!), she’s there to be seen.